Welcome to “Thinking Out Loud” with Dr. Joe Currier!  Here, we’ll be regularly sharing Dr. Joe’s latest groundbreaking insights.

When is it okay to cry?  Do we always have to be strong for others?  And what does “being strong” even mean?  We know about IQ….How’s your EQ?  We answer all of these questions in today’s episode.

Episode Transcript:

Andrew J. Mason:

This is Thinking Out Loud with Dr. Joe Currier. Episode 16, mental health myths, cry like you mean it.

Andrew J. Mason:

Welcome to Thinking Out Loud with Dr. Joe Currier. My name’s Andrew J. Mason, and this is the show where we hit the pause button on life. Head to the locker room for some life-changing halftime inspiration, and then zoom back in and grab the tactics direct from Dr. Joe’s playbook to pull it all together when we’re on the field. When is it okay to cry? Do we always have to be strong for others? And what does that even mean, being strong? Today, Dr. Joe breaks it all down in mental health myths, crying like you mean it. Here’s Dr. Joe with more.

Dr. Joe Currier:

May is mental health awareness month. In my experience as a psychologist for over 50 years, I’m pleased to see that we’re finally beginning to build a mental health system. We’ve always had an excellent mental illness system. Professionals who help fix what breaks and who support individuals in crisis. Health systems however, work best when they are preventative not remedial. When you were in your early developmental days, you had gym classes to strengthen your body. Physical development is important early on and through your academic history. I know that you’ve also been measured for IQ, your intelligence. It’s measured and developed. Remember the three R’s reading, writing, and arithmetic? But were you ever formally taught about your EQ, your emotional intelligence? Kind of a life 101 class or series. I bet you not only didn’t systematically learn how to build and manage your EQ. In fact, to the contrary, I believe you were taught to deny, avoid, and even hide sensitive emotions.

Dr. Joe Currier:

What especially troubles me is when parents and coaches teach children to lie. Yes, lie. When a child gets hurt on the playground, kids are often told, that doesn’t hurt, rub some dirt on it. As if the kid doesn’t know his own body. Hey, I’m young. I’m not stupid. A lot of the kids might say. I know what I’m about to share is an extreme example. But a man once told me that he had a compound fracture during a soccer game. By the way, he was 11 years old. His very concerned parents rushed onto the field and dad asked his son, can you play? Mom remained silent. When a youngster is frightened, confused, or distressed, if tears begin to fall, they’re often asked, are you a baby? Is that really a question? Heck no. It’s a shaming strategy to help toughen up a kid. Shame and secrecy are often the common rules regarding emotions.

Dr. Joe Currier:

It’s not okay to break down in front of your peers. Notice the words used. When someone cries, we often hear he broke down. What? Is this James Brown falling to his knees, being carried off the stage in the middle of a song? She or he did not break down. The wheels didn’t come off. They cried. Why not? Mom died. Or you fill in the blank. When can you let your broken heart show? I wish I had a dollar to donate to charity every time I hear someone say, I’m sorry, when they begin to cry. Why? They didn’t do anything wrong. So why do they apologize? Is it the shame or the sense of weakness? Did you ever see your dad cry? If so, it probably took a major event. Something catastrophic like the death of his mom. When we coach kids and warn adults to be strong by lying and internalizing sensitive emotions, we’re actually putting them at risk.

Dr. Joe Currier:

It’s like sweeping problems under a carpet. Silence is not strength. It’s a missed opportunity. Pushing the human mute button is often a medical accident waiting to happen. I ask you how’s that working for you, for your family, and for your working partnerships? There are four primary emotions. Primary means natural feelings to help us celebrate victories and manage pain and distress. Everyone has them. Tall or short, men and women, white, black, brown, regardless of religion and nationality. Everyone is challenged to speak effectively. Oh, by the way, that is both verbally and non-verbally. We not only have the power of words, we have body language. Our body has a language all its own. Non-verbal communication can be very tricky and often sends very different, difficult, and at times, confusing messages. Take facial set. Facial set brings people together or distances them. He looks angry. Or am I boring her?

Dr. Joe Currier:

How about tone and word selection? Look at the different feel between the same word. One word. What? When someone says what, a gentle question. Or what? A what’s wrong with you response. Did you ever wonder, is he being funny or sarcastic? I couldn’t tell if he was laughing with me or at me. So the four primary emotions, the first two are for connection. The second two are for survival. Connection ranges from happy and joyful to sad or in pain. We connect when we celebrate together. And when we bury our dead and heal together.

Dr. Joe Currier:

The other two primary emotions are survival mechanisms, namely fear and anger. It’s a mistake to teach young ones to hide their fears, to lie. As if it’s shameful to be afraid. I was blessed by a true hero. A man that I loved. While I was a Lieutenant in the Marine Corps, my dear friend and hero once trusted me with his secret. He wet his pants while saving a platoon trapped by the Vietcong under direct fire, pure chaos, and wounded twice. He kept moving forward.

Dr. Joe Currier:

Feelings are nature’s responses to events. Behavior is a person’s choice. Let me repeat. Emotions happen, behaviors are a person’s choice. Viktor Frankl survivor of the Holocaust and author of Man’s Search for Meaning tells us that his captors and tormentors took everything from him, including killing his wife and child. They took everything from him except his final freedom, to feel and express his emotions, how he responds. I learned a similar powerful message from my dear friend and partner for nearly 50 years, Dr. Les Frankfurt, also a survivor of Aus Fitch. Dr. Les once told me, Joe, everything I do, I do because it makes me feel good. I confess at first, I totally misunderstood. I thought that he was non-confrontational.

Dr. Joe Currier:

Over the years, Les taught me. Why would I react with things like road rage? Why would I let others trigger my negative emotions? If I get angry at these anonymous events, or if I over or under react to social, emotional situations, I’m letting other people control my emotions. And therefore everything I do that day will be diminished for myself and for others. My question, are you in emotional marionette? Do you let other people pull your strings? Part of the challenge we face is related to our degree of vulnerability. What I call the kimono paradox. We face social risks when we show our more sensitive emotions, kind of like opening the kimono. People may misjudge you and or become uncomfortable, which leads to the question, what is the line between public versus private information? What should I share? Remember, we’re only talking about my truth, my ability to be authentic. That’s another word for honest. Please consider this. I’m talking about sharing how I feel, not necessarily how I would behave. Feelings are a frame of mind.

Dr. Joe Currier:

My dear friend in the Marine Corps was afraid. Fear is not the measure of his heroism. In fact, that’s why he is a hero. If he wasn’t afraid, there would be no significance to his action. What one does in the face of fear is the final measure. Frankly, if you’re not afraid in the face of danger, I worry about your mental health. Question, do you stay true to your authentic self or do you become a people pleaser? What are the business norms within your organization and your family? When you react in the role of a leader at work and at home, what messages do you send regarding vulnerability? Do you let your heart speak its truth? Do you model healthy emotional behavior? Is it safe? Is it okay to open your heart and soul? You remember I’m not suggesting having no private window. What I’m just suggesting is how to gauge partner relationships.

Dr. Joe Currier:

First, is it safe to show up in your human self? How about your authentic self? Hey, if you’re in London, those darn fools ride in the wrong side of the road. What’s wrong with those people? Baltimore drivers got it right. That is right side not left side of the highway. I’m trying to be cute. Hey, I’m an old guy. It’s not right versus wrong. It’s right versus left. When it comes to the rules of life’s highway. Rules that we set personally and professionally. Mental wellbeing will be impacted by what you decide. When you deny strong primary emotions, you internalize them. Emotions will find expression, either social, emotionally, or medically. Like water, feelings will find their natural level. Body impact.

Dr. Joe Currier:

Over the years, I’ve listened and learned things like someone says, I constantly feel like blowing my top. Are they talking about triggering migraines or tension headaches? Someone once said, I take things to heart. Are they signaling future cardiovascular signs and symptoms? And someone once said, I feel like people are beating the crap out of me. Again, are we talking about bowel and bladder issues here? IQ versus EQ. Again, as early as five years of age, kids are given IQ tests. How about EQ? Emotional intelligence is the door to the authentic self and to leadership. Do you understand and effectively manage your emotions? The research shows that IQ will get you hired, but EQ will get you promoted. Men in particular, women also, they often hide their sensitivity when they deflect to anger. I have a bumper sticker. Anger is often a second emotion.

Dr. Joe Currier:

When someone is uncomfortable with emotions like shame, embarrassment, or sadness, they may deflect to anger. For example, if a young woman rejects a man and he blows his top versus sharing his pain, speaking his truth. Wow, that hurts. I still care for you. I’m sorry. You don’t share that affection. One final note to demonstrate the extent of mental health at the expense of performance, Olympic gymnast, multiple metal winner, Aly Raisman recently came forward and shared the pain and impact of strict discipline to win at the expense of the authentic self. Hide her emotions. She lived with an either or equation. You push to perfection or. No excuses, no complaining. Aly highlights the negative impact of perfection. Hey, by the way, I’m not saying excellence. I’m saying perfection. The underlying message to the performer here is it’s never good enough. You’re only as good as your next event.

Dr. Joe Currier:

The NFL is leaning in this direction. They have a program called sharing my story. Hey, we’ve done this with pro athletes and with business organizations for years. We often have what we call the open seat, where partners really get in straight talk between partners. We encourage organizations to not just operate primarily as a business. That’s what they do. Not who they are. The elite jus group became a model for excellence. By saying, we’re a community, a community of passionate partners who serve the mission and each other. There’s an R factor. The relationships between people, the R factor. There are three levels of relationships for both self and others. How will you know your own inner self as well as the level of relationship you build with people? Brief explanation, R1 is a surface level. It’s almost like operating with a blindfold. Relationships are casual, guarded, very private.

Dr. Joe Currier:

When people try to go deeper, one wonders, what does this have to do with business? And by the way, what are you going to do with this information. R2, the question is not what do others want to know about me, the question is, what do I want others to know about me in order to build a better partnership, a better bond between the two of us? So that we can perform in sync. And it’s based upon two primary words, truth and trust. R3 relationships, the ability to show up as your true self, vulnerability based trust. You’re able to speak the unspeakable. Oh, by the way, right time, right place, and right people.

Dr. Joe Currier:

One final note. During this recent pandemic, we’ve been drowning in a tsunami of negativity. COVID-19, political turmoil, and economic meltdown. It is critical to manage dis-ease before it becomes a disease. Can you hear the play on words? We can’t control external forces, but we can manage our own responses. Managing this ease, tension before it becomes a disease. I recommend beginning with what I call a relaxation triangle. Again, a much deeper conversation. But like a triangle there are three parts. First, stop action. We are flooded with negative self-talk and what if imagery. Stop. What do you do if you’re driving, you see a red stop sign? You stop, you look, and you listen. So first step is stop, timeout. Second, breathing. Four cycles of healing breath, what we call belly breathing. You breathe in pause for just a moment. Exhale, sigh out the tension. Pausing once again.

Dr. Joe Currier:

Fritz Perls, noted psychologist of years gone by. He said, fear is excitement without the breath. Third part of the relaxation triangle is mindset. You are what you think. Look at the stories you make up in your mind. Over the years, I’ve seen so many individuals who try to prepare for the conflict that they face. There’s not much else they can do other than to worry. Hey, they’re facing a future event that is out of their control. Worry is a self-defeating cycle. Instead, I suggest this. You don’t need to prepare for difficult events that are outside of your control. You already know how to love, laugh, and dance. Don’t ever stop dancing. Thank you. Blessings on your way.